Jonny Boden – The Truth

Every month or so ‘Jonny’ sends me his brochure.  It’s beautiful.  Nicely designed, good quality paper.  Must have cost a few bob to print and post – thanks Jonny for taking the time to send me it.  Then you start flicking through it whilst you’re waiting for the kettle to boil.  Hmm you say, that cotton onyx blue sweater looks really good on that rugged rugby playing 22 year old male model.  I bet if I buy that that onyx blue sweater i’ll look as good as him and I can live a life of middle class lovelyness full of sunshine, probably near a beach, but without annoying things like negative equity and overdrafts and I could marry a pert blonde lady who could also wear Boden stuff.  I want that life you say, and the sweater is the gateway to that life.

So you go online and you buy the onyx sweater for £63 and you wait.  It arrives.  You tear off the paper and the beautiful packaging comforted by the fact that you are now in Jonnys Gang.  You are part of the lifestyle of lovely lovelyness.Your ticket to ride the train to Lovelyville.

And you put it on.

And your tummy sticks out and it’s a bit tight around the shoulders and in the mirror you look like a different species when compared to the dashing rugged rugger player.  And it’s cost you £63!  For a bloody jumper!  And you’ve got a bank statement telling you that you have no money.  But can you really be arsed to pack it all back up in the lovely wrapping which you destroyed earlier in your eagerness to wear the jumper and then schlep down to the post office in town where you can only park for 30 minutes but then be forced to *queue for an hour* whilst every biddy in the world cashes their pension.  So you put it in the drawer – you can wear it on holiday this summer when you’re lost a bit of weight and your tan will go well with the onyx.  18 months later you’ll take it to Oxfam.

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