Tax dodging MP condemns tax dodging celebs

Danny Alexander

Following the Jimmy Carr hoo ha last week treasury minister Danny Alexander took to our screens to lay into tax avoiders labelling them as “morally repugnant”. Lest there is any confusion this is the same Danny Alexander who cheated the Treasury out of a very significant wedge by “flipping” his house during the expenses scandal. The minister registered a London property as his second home in 2005 but declared it his main residence to the taxman. He then claimed over £37,000 of taxpayers’ money doing up property over the following two years. In 2007 he flogged it for £300,000, using a tax loophole to avoid paying the then 40% capital gains tax.

What’s baffling, beyond the obvious hypocrisy, is the contempt for peoples intelligence. Mate, you’re in the public eye. Your tax loop hole jiggery pokery is there spread all over The Google for people to see, like here. I’m almost in admiration of the sheer front involved in pointing to someone’s tax foibles whilst having your own T Rex sized tax skeleton so plainly on view.

Can I suggest that all politicians now stop talking about tax dodging unless you are prepared to seize the current tax regime and do something radical with it, like introduce a fair and transparent flat tax instead of using taxation to bribe various sections of the electorate when it suits you.  There are very few people out there who can open up their accounting affairs and not find some sort of fiddle, a meal here, a taxi receipt there, or a flipped central London flat with home improvements funded by Joe Public, so probably best leave it alone or grow some balls and make the changes that clearly need to be made.  If you show courage the electorate will reward you, why don’t our pygmy political elite get this?

the_beard

6 business ideas that I’ve had in the past week that will never come to anything

exfoliating-scrubactivity-neckwear sad-dog pan-spain-2010-0642 abu-hamza-coat-hooks1

1. beard oil

2. exfoliating scrub for men that doesn’t cost £8 per tube (considering it’s essentially shower gel and grit).

3. a clothing company that specialises in activity neckwear.

4. dog rental

5. a service that picks up your motorbike, takes it to Geneva, you fly out and meet the bike, fart around the Alps for a week zipping up and down curvy mountain passes waving at other bikers and grinning, after a week the bike gets shipped back, you fly home. Bing Bang Bong.  In fact I would call this business BingBangBongBikes.com

6. a retail site specialising in Abu Hamza Coat Hooks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE BLOKE follows the Murdochs and *charges* for content.

Now we’ve been looking at this internet malarkey for a couple of years and we have to agree with Rupert Murdoch that we can’t be giving all this brilliant content away for free.  I mean something has to give. You know, there needs to be a quid pro quo here.  I’m spending all this time giving you my opinion on stuff and you’re just taking it all.  Not giving anything back.  There’s no ‘quo’ bit to our relationship here.

The Murdoch family

Like Rupert I have a few kids and a pretty wife who likes shoes and holidays and we need to find a way to pay for all this stuff.  All those other gutless media corporations out there have remained largely silent on the matter but The Bloke Corp has made the bold decision to step up to the plate and stand shoulder to shoulder with The Murdochs. Although we won’t quite go as far as condeming the BBC because they do great stuff like The Wire and Radio 4 (apart from The Archers, Sunday Worship and that really smug woman on Saturday morning who is far too pleased with herself.  Oh, and Sandy Toksvig who is also far too pleased with herself) and their kids TV output which isn’t packed with adverts for plastic shit that will be in the charity shop by February.

Sorry, wondered off there on one a little bit.  But back to business – we’re together with James and his Dad.  From 1st October The Bloke is going to charge for content.  It’s an honesty based system that I’m hoping is going to work well for all of us.  Everytime you visit the site all you need to do is simply log a reply with your email address and I’ll send you a bill at the end of every month for how many times you’ve visited (based on about 25p a visit*). *subject to change without notice.

I’m hoping that this ‘payment gateway’ will enable me to continue to provide you with unrivalled up to the minute engaging content whilst helping me and my family get lots of nice things and hopefully an unhealthy share of global media ownership.

Sweetshop in Stratford upon Avon (England) seeks government rescue

Rita’s Sweets in Stratford Upon Avon sensationally requested a government bail out this morning. There is now fear that other sweet shops could go to the wall in coming weeks as the economic collapse continues.

Said Rita Sherbert speaking exclusively to The Bloke “We bought 2,000 gummy snakes last month because we thought there would be a high demand for gummy snakes.  We found out on Monday that nobody wants gummy snakes at all.  Effectively we’ve ended up with a load of gum based confectionary that nobody wants.  It was a stupid mistake.  We tried to repackage them up and sell them on to another sweet shop by calling them aniseed balls but they didn’t fall for it.  We were blinded by the prospect of cornering the market in gummy snakes and making literaly hundreds of pounds for ourselves.  The trouble is we bought them on my husband, Terry’s, credit card and now we really can’t afford to pay it off.  We’re hoping that Alistair Darling won’t sit on his hands and dither this time.  He needs to act decisively and come to our rescue with a nice big dollop of tax payers cash before its too late.  If he doesn’t this could spell disaster for Stratford based confectioners.  We can’t allow us, er, i mean them, to go broke.”

Oversupply of gum based snakes spells ruin for Rita

Alistair Darling was quoted this afternoon to be taking this very seriously and is confering with the treasury about releasing £375 to avoid the systematic collapse of this sweet shop.

Rita and co-worker who face ruin if they don't get a bail out

Rita and co-workers who face hardship if they don't get a bail out

Valuable insights in these confusing times

SOCIALISM

You have two cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

 

COMMUNISM

You have two cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

 

FASCISM

You have two cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

 

NAZISM

You have two cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

 

BUREAUCRATISM

You have two cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

 

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

 

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

 

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says you own eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

 

THE ANDERSON MODEL

You have two cows.

You shred them.

 

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot and block the roads, because you want three cows.

 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

 

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

 

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

 

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have two cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows, but none of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

 

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

 

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

 

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a democracy.

 

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

 

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.