The Bloke.co.uk | Life After the Lad

I’ve found my ‘DOING SOMETHING’ tipping point. We all have it, it just takes different degrees of tipping for it to come out.  The slow drip drip drip of depressing news was sucking me downward in a spiral of unrelenting misery. Or perhaps it was a hangover.  Anyway, I can hardly get out of bed in the morning with the weight of negative energy pressing down on me.  But the tipping point was this weekend - i had to do something.  Well it started on Friday really when I read the Daily Mail. That was the start, the nudge.

Why do you read the Daily Mail - they say

I don’t read it all the time (i say defensively), and it’s read by millions of middle Englanders and as someone who makes a living from selling stuff to people I feel I should be, you know, in touch with these people - I reply

But it’s dripping with right wing vitriol - they say

I read the Guardian too - I respond, as if to compensate.

So I buy it.  Hand over my 50p.  And instantly I’m more miserable.  It appears we’re two trillion in debt.  A billion used to be a lot of money but after last year it’s like small change so now everyone talks in trillions.  we need something with 12 naughts after it now to make us take notice.  Just to put that in perspective thats £33k for every single person in the coutry.  I am married with two kids.  So the debt my family has to repay is £132k. But it’s OK, these people in charge know what they are doing.  BUT THEN I REALISE - THEY DON’T?

All around us I see incompetance and screwed up thinking.  A psycopathic terrorist called Abu Qatada (who wants us all dead) is allowed to stay (does he know about the £33k he now owes?), the Home Secretary is fiddling her exes claiming her primary home is her sisters spare room, Alistair Darling (say no more) is Chancellor, we’re propping up a motor industry with billions of pounds whilst nobody buys cars, bankers are paying thesmelves bonuses with our money instead of using it to lend to small firms.  I could go on.  But it’s just too depressing.
So rather than complain I’ve decided to do something about it.  I’ve decided to go into politics.  Now I know nothing about politics but I feel I should at least try.  But to who’s mast should I nail my banner?

Labour - I just can’t.  Every time I think of Labour I think of Tony Blair.  I see his grinning annoying face.  The same guy who has just set up a company called Tony Blair Associates which specialises in providing ’strategic advice’.  Blair has raked in £15 million since leaving office with a series of business deals.

Liberal - Er, no.  I still don’t really see the point in the liberals.

Tory - I’m ashamed to say that I liked Margaret Thatcher.  A lot of what she said made sense.  My family did OK under her and the idea of working hard and self sufficiency resonates. The Tories stand for decentralisation, low taxes and a return to common sense.  Well at least I hope they do because these are teh guys I’ve joined.

My first meeting is my local area AGM tonight.  Watch this space.  I might be prime minister one day soon and it all started here.

HERE are the top 50 dumb blonde jokes cracked by Hollywood’s hottest actors and socialites, complied by The Sun newspaper.

1. Paris Hilton talking to press about the US chain store: “Wal-Mart… do they like make walls there?”
2. Jessica Simpson on NewleyWeds: “Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it’s tuna, but it says ‘Chicken by the Sea.’
3. Alicia Silverstone on her role in Clueless: “I think that the film was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.” 
4. Chantelle Houghton when Big Brother said she had changed since becoming a celebrity: “I’ve changed? What do you mean… I’ve changed my clothes?” 
5. Jodie Marsh in a recent interview: “Eskimos are uncivilised because they don’t have any shops.” 
6. Paris Hilton on her technique on the red carpet: “I don’t really think, I just walk.” 
7. Jessica Simpson on her first day at high school: “A teacher asked us if anybody knew the names of the continents. I was sooo excited. I was like, Damn it! It’s my first day of 7th grade, I’m in junior high and I know this answer. So I raised my hand, I was the first one, and I said A-E-I-O-U!” 
8. Goldie Horn on her favourite types of films: “Comedy is funny”. 
9. Sam Fox on fitness clothes: “I’ve got 10 pairs of training shoes - one for every day of the week.” 
10. Britney Spears on her taste in clothes: “So many people have asked me how I could possibly be a role model and dress like a tramp and get implants… all I have to say is that self-esteem is how you look at yourself and I feel good enough about myself so wear that kind of clothing… the breast implant issue has nothing to do with that…”
11. BB’s Helen Adam’s on education: “The worst thing is when the press call me a dizzy blonde - I got a B in Drama, a D in English, I did a hairdressing course and a beauty certificate.” 
12. Lady Victoria Hervey on the homeless: “It’s so bad being homeless in winter. They should go somewhere warm like the Caribbean where they can eat fresh fish all day.” 
13. Britney on Japan “I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.” 
14. Jessica Simpson when offered buffalo wings: “Sorry I don’t eat buffalo.” 
15. Paris Hilton on her fame: “There’s nobody in the world like me. I think every decade has an iconic blonde, like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana and, right now, I’m that icon.” 
16. Chantelle Houghton on George Galloway: “He looks at us like we’re stupid, scatty, uneducated girls. He’s a right chauvinistic pig, whatever that means!” 
17. Cameron Diaz on science: “I’ve been noticing gravity since I was very young.”
18. Britney Spears on where she might start her theatre career: “I would rather start out somewhere small, like London or England.” 
19. BB’s Helen Adams on magic man Paul Daniels: “Yeah, you know Jack Daniels… he does all the magic stuff!” 
20. Christina Aguilera on film festivals: “So where’s the Cannes film festival being held this year?” 
21. Paris Hilton on her career choices: “First wanted to be a veterinarian. And then I realised you had to give them shots to put them to sleep, so I decided I’d just buy a bunch of animals and have them in my house instead.” 
22. Alicia Douvall on motherhood: “I think a 16-year-old with a nice, sexy figure will do really well as a model as long as she’s managed well. That’s why I’m happy for Georgia to have a boob job because it will give her a career.” 
23. Chantelle Houghton on hearing George Galloway was an MP: “Does that mean you work in that big room with the green seats?” 
24. Britney on capital punishment: “I am for the death penalty. Who commits terrible acts must get a fitting punishment. That way he learns the lesson for the next time.” 
25. BB2’s Helen Adams on pulses: “How much chicken is there in chick peas?” 
26. Chanelle Hayes on her Posh spice obsession: “I like what she (Victoria Beckham) wears. That’s what magazines are all about - there’s always a picture of a celebrity and where to buy a replica of what they’re wearing. It’s not as if I’m doing anything weird.” 
27. Paris Hilton on her title: “I don’t want to be known as the Hilton heiress, because I didn’t do anything for that.” 
28. Tara Reid on her fellow blonde celeb: “I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.” 
29. Ivana Trump on literature: “Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.” 
30. Christina Aguilera on herself: “I’m an ocean, because I’m really deep. If you search deep enough you can find rare exotic treasures.” 
31. Britney Spears on her first tour: “Where the hell is Australia anyway?” 
32. Alicia Douvall on surgery: “I know it (plastic surgeries) will kill me. But I’d rather die trying to sort things out.” 
33. Jodie Marsh on cooking: “Is an egg a vegetable?” 
34. Kimberly Stewart on Jennifer Aniston: “I like her cos she’s like, homely. She must have something else going on cos it’s not like she’s gorgeous or anything.” 
35. Jessica Simpson on her mood at the VH1 ‘05 video awards: “Isn’t it weird I’m getting all emotionable.” 
36. Helen Adams on BB2 : “I probably sound Welsh on the telly.” 
37. Mariah Carey on the death of the King of Jordan: “I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time.”
38. Chantelle Houghton on different types of doctors: “What’s a gynaecologist?” 
39. Pamela Anderson on her secret to success: “I don’t think about anything too much . . . If I think too much, it kind of freaks me out!”
40. Ivana Trump on getting one over on her ex’s new girlfriend: “Gorgeous hair is the best revenge.” 
41. Brooke Shields on her campaign against smoking: “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” 
42. Heather Locklear on being proud of her heritage: “From an early age I was aware of what America meant, and how the Marines at Camp Pendleton were ready to defend us at a moment’s notice. I also remember what fabulous bodies those troops had.” 
43. Jessica Simpson on her scantily clad videos: “I’m definitely shy, so it was definitely acting for me to drop a trench coat and be in a bikini and try to get my cousins out of trouble by using my body. That was definitely acting!” 
44. Chantelle Houghton working out the shopping budget: “Eleventy-twelve pence? I don’t get it. How much is that then?” 
45. Britney on why she did a cover of I Love Rock and Roll: “I always loved Pat Benatar.” 
46. Emma Bunton on moobs: “I wish men had boobs because I like the feel of them. It’s so funny - when I record I sing with a hand over each of them, maybe it’s a comfort thing.” 
47. Cyndi Crawford on modelling: “In the studio, I do try to have a thought in my head, so that it’s not like a blank stare.” 
48. The late Anna Nicole Smith on suicide bombers: “Doesn’t that hurt?” 
49. Jessica Simpson to the President when visiting the White House: “I love what you’ve done with the place!”
50. Mischa Barton on being blessed with looks: “Pretty people aren’t as accepted as other people. It comes with all these stigmas.”

http://www.thefirstworldwidewebsitewherenothinghappens.com/

This bloke explores why Valentines Day sucks…

Now this is funny.  I’ve been chuckling about it all morning.

First read this

In October last year , Richard Madeley, 52, said of Chloe and her 22-year-old brother Jack: ‘Both our kids are incredibly anti-drugs. They have friends that do them but they actively discourage it.’

Warming to the theme Miss Finnigan, 60, then added: ‘If one of our kids’ friends say to them, “Let’s do drugs”, they’ll actually shout at them.’

Now look at this photo of Chloe getting well stuck into a bong taken TWO MONTHS EARLIER!

Ahhh, I love celebs.