The Bloke.co.uk | Life After the Lad

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.

I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn’t show me dancing around a pole. It’s supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

Comic Relief - officially not funny

OK, it’s not until March but it’s already being plugged by worthy supermarket retailers keen to show their caring credentials.  Why don’t you stop screwing farmers into the floor with your aggressive buying practices?  Er, because that affects your bottom line which is bad for the shareholders, far easier to humiliate your staff and then GET THE PUBLIC TO CHIP IN THE MONEY.  Although there is the unintentional humour in watching the staff reluctantly sport their red noses and ‘comedy’ hats that they clearly don’t want to be wearing apart from that one annoying pathologically chirpy middle aged checkout supervisor who, newly divorced, manages to find hysterical mirth in practically everything, especially wearing a pink wig.  And a red nose.

The thoughts of Lenny fricking Henry piping up for his annual fix of attention going Whaaaa Whaaaa which he has been doing since Spit The Dog before trudging back to panto land where he spends most of his year is enough to fill me with dread. And don’t even get me started on the cringeworthy news readers doing their turn for charidy.  Back in 1988 this was fresh and new and exciting, using comedy to raise cash for the worlds poor.  Now it’s like a runaway train that everybody wants to get off but our morals are welded to the catering car so we have to go along with the painful ride every year. We need to think up another way to make money. Something involving bankers and them giving back all the ill gotten commission they’ve been raking in for the past decade.

Loveths Pigths

Jamie Oliver. We’re surprising ourselves a little bit with this week’s choice. The ‘fat tongued mockney cunt’ has been getting right up our noses for years now and his pseudo cheery lad next door schtick has actually been responsible for Mrs Bloke boycotting Sainburys. But what we’re starting to approve of is his obvious passion for ruffling feathers of the powers that be. We live in a world where so many people talk so much bullshit and so few people actually get anything done. People have ideas but not many have the stamina to change anything in the face of apathy and bureaucracy and when someone does we should applaud them.

Channel 4 have been running a food series with a numer of top chefs talking about food related stuff.  Hugh Fernly Whittingperson has been publicly encouraging Tesco to stop selling birds that have spent their whole wretched lives in a shoebox where their primary source of amusement is to eat their own feet and at the end of it all they get their heads torn off and then find their water and phosphate injected carcasses part of a 2 for £5 offer in Tesco. Not nice.

Jamie was last night supporting UK pig farmers . In 2002 UK farmers stopped the cruel practice of enclosed tethered pig pens (a bit like the chickens shoe boxes above but pig sized) but in Denmark (a big exporter of pork) 20% of their pork is reared in this very cruel fashion. It is also widespread throughout the rest of Europe. And guess what, we import a shed load of pork from these places.

When it comes to Pork the message is very simple: Buy British. Now that we’re part of Europe we are not supposed to say things like this because it’s protectionist but the simple truth is that you will getter better meat that is more humanely reared here in the UK. And if you’re not into all this animal kindness malarkey how about the argument that buying British keeps British farmers in business!  Now nobody get argue with that: get off moi laaand.

If you didn’t see it watch it here : Channel 4

The lyrics of the popular sea shanty “What Shall We Do With A Drunken Sailor?” have been changed by a Government-funded charity to remove any references to alcohol.

Bookstart, a national programme to encourage children to read, has amended the words of the song, penned in 1891, from “drunken sailor” to “grumpy pirate”.

The sobered-down version of the rhyme has been criticised by the Campaign for Real Education (CfRE), which believes children should hear full version.

Nick Seaton, from CfRE, said: “It is political correctness gone mad and totally unacceptable.

“Changing the words is simply trying to rewrite the history and tradition of this country.”

Parents are also angry that the shanty has been axed from songsheets at libraries across the UK.

The new version, “What Shall We Do With the Grumpy Pirate?”, was written for council-run “baby bounce and rhyme” sessions put on for parents and children.

Lines removed from the original ditty include “Put him in the brig until he’s sober”, “Keelhaul him and pass the bottle”, “Round with the rum and scotch and whiskey”.

The politically correct version instead has lines like “Do a little jig and make him smile”, “Make him walk the plank till he starts to wobble” and “Tickle him till he starts to giggle”.

Katherine Soloman, spokesman for Bookstart, said she could see how some people would think the change was politically correct.

But she said the change was to fit in with a “pirate theme” it was promoting.

The new lyrics:

What Shall We Do With the Grumpy Pirate?

What shall we do with the grumpy pirate? What shall we do with the grumpy pirate? What shall we do with the grumpy pirate? Early in the morning.

Hooray and up she rises, Hooray and up she rises, Hooray and up she rises, Early in the morning.

Do a little jig and make him smile, Do a little jig and make him smile, Do a little jig and make him smile, Early in the morning.

Hooray and up she rises, Hooray and up she rises, Hooray and up she rises, Early in the morning.

Make him walk the plank till he starts to wobble, Make him walk the plank till he starts to wobble, Make him walk the plank till he starts to wobble, Early in the morning.

Hooray and up she rises, Hooray and up she rises, Hooray and up she rises, Early in the morning.

Tickle him till he starts to giggle, Tickle him till he starts to giggle, Tickle him till he starts to giggle, Early in the morning.

Hooray and up she rises, Hooray and up she rises, Hooray and up she rises, Early in the morning.

Source: The Telegraph Online

A polar bear was sighted on the Thames on Monday… don’t worry it was only a model created by 3d production experts Hothouse I Want Gets.

Their team spent two months sculpting the Polar Bear, cub, and 25ft iceberg. 
 
The sculpture is being used to promote the Launch of TV channel Eden, and raise awareness of climate change. It will be travelling the UK over the next few weeks.

To see the making of the polar bear: