Sep 15 2009

THE BLOKE follows the Murdochs and *charges* for content.

Now we’ve been looking at this internet malarkey for a couple of years and we have to agree with Rupert Murdoch that we can’t be giving all this brilliant content away for free.  I mean something has to give. You know, there needs to be a quid pro quo here.  I’m spending all this time giving you my opinion on stuff and you’re just taking it all.  Not giving anything back.  There’s no ‘quo’ bit to our relationship here.

The Murdoch family

Like Rupert I have a few kids and a pretty wife who likes shoes and holidays and we need to find a way to pay for all this stuff.  All those other gutless media corporations out there have remained largely silent on the matter but The Bloke Corp has made the bold decision to step up to the plate and stand shoulder to shoulder with The Murdochs. Although we won’t quite go as far as condeming the BBC because they do great stuff like The Wire and Radio 4 (apart from The Archers, Sunday Worship and that really smug woman on Saturday morning who is far too pleased with herself.  Oh, and Sandy Toksvig who is also far too pleased with herself) and their kids TV output which isn’t packed with adverts for plastic shit that will be in the charity shop by February.

Sorry, wondered off there on one a little bit.  But back to business - we’re together with James and his Dad.  From 1st October The Bloke is going to charge for content.  It’s an honesty based system that I’m hoping is going to work well for all of us.  Everytime you visit the site all you need to do is simply log a reply with your email address and I’ll send you a bill at the end of every month for how many times you’ve visited (based on about 25p a visit*). *subject to change without notice.

I’m hoping that this ‘payment gateway’ will enable me to continue to provide you with unrivalled up to the minute engaging content whilst helping me and my family get lots of nice things and hopefully an unhealthy share of global media ownership.


Jan 13 2009

Top Bloke - for those of you who run your own business

This was sent in this morning by a bloke who picked it up from stumbleupon - Although written by an American in relation to his local situation a lot of what he says it true..

Real Letter From
CEO To His Employees
This is a legitimate letter — the company actually exists.
1-7-9

To All My Valued Employees,

There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good news is this: The economy doesn’t pose a threat to your job.

What does threaten your job however, is the changing political landscape in this country. Of course, as your employer, I am forbidden to tell you whom to vote for — it is against the law to discriminate based on political affiliation, Race, creed, religion, etc.

Please vote who you think will serve your Interests the best. However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help you decide what is in your best interest. First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is a back story.

This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Mercedes outside. You’ve seen my big home at last years Christmas party. I’m sure all these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealized thoughts about my life. However, what you don’t see is the back story.

I started this company 12 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 300 square foot studio apartment for 3 years. My entire living space was converted into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which by the way, would eventually employ you.

My diet consisted of Ramen Pride noodles because every dollar I spent went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a defective transmission. I didn’t have time to date. Often times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I was married to my business — hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.

Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a modest $50K a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes. Instead of hitting the Nordstrom’s for the latest hot fashion item, I was trolling through the Goodwill store extracting any clothing item that didn’t look like it was birthed in the 70’s.

My friends refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury. I, however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into a business with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had.

So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9am, mentally check in at about noon, and then leave at 5pm, I don’t. There is no “off” button For me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, ****, and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to me like a 1 day old baby.

You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden — the nice house, the Mercedes, the vacations… You never realize the back story and the sacrifices I’ve made. Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy that made all the right decisions and saved his money, have to bail-out all the people who didn’t.

The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for. Yes, business ownership has is benefits but the price I’ve paid is steep and not without wounds. Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you, is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell you why:

I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don’t pay enough. I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes. Payroll taxes. Workers compensation taxes. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire a tax man to manage all these taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a check to the US Treasury for $288,000 for quarterly taxes. You know what my “stimulus” check was? Zero. Nada. Zilch.

The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare check?

Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic stimulus of this country. The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your paycheck you’d quit and you wouldn’t work here. I mean, why should you? That’s nuts. Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why your job is in jeopardy. Here is what many of you don’t understand; to stimulate the economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had suddenly government mandated to me that I didn’t need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of depositing that $288,000 into the Washington black-hole, I would have spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic growth. My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in the form of promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now.

When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don’t defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the heart of America and always has been. To restart it, you must stimulate it, not kill it. Suddenly, the power brokers in Washington believe the mud of America are the essential drivers of the American economic engine.

Nothing could be further from the truth and this is the type of change you can keep. So where am I going with all this? It’s quite simple. If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be swift and simple. I fire you. I fire your co-workers. You can then plead with the government to pay for your mortgage, your SUV, and your child’s future. Frankly, it isn’t my problem any more. Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and retire.

You see, I’m done. I’m done with a country that penalizes the productive and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship.

While tax cuts to 95% of America sounds great on paper, don’t forget the backstory: If there is no job, there is no income to tax. A tax cut on zero dollars is zero. So, when you make decision to vote, ask yourself, who understands the economics of business ownership and who doesn’t? Whose policies will endanger your job? Answer those questions and you should know who might be the one capable of saving your job. While the media wants to tell you “It’s the economy Stupid” I’m telling you it isn’t.

If you lose your job, it won’t be at the hands of the economy; it will be at the hands of a political hurricane that swept through this country, steamrolled the Constitution, and will have changed its landscape forever. If that happens, you can find me in South Caribbean sitting on a beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about.

Signed, Your boss,

Michael A. Crowley,
PE Crowley, Crisp & Associates, Inc.
Professional Engineers 1
906 South Main Street, Suite 122
Wake Forest, NC 27587

919.562.8860 x22
919.562.8872 Fax


Oct 12 2008

County Council admits to banking with Nigerian Ministry of Oil & Gold…

The full scale of the local councils banking hard earned council tax overseas started to emerge last night.  As bank collapses in Iceland became apparent early on in the week we break news that Middle Quinton District Council have confirmed they have every single available penny they have banked in the Nigerian Bank of Oil Gold  and General Trustworthiness

In an interview with The Bloke last night Chief Executive Tom Mugg said ‘Well we got this email from the Rev Jonny Mgobo of the Nigerian Bank of Oil Gold and General Trustworthiness who said that he was the brother of the President and they had so much money that they would be able to pay 75% interest on our money so long as we bought the cash over in 7 large suitcases.  We had been banking all our money with that internationally renowned banking country Iceland who had offered us a much better rate than our local bank but this Nigerian deal seemed like an even greater opportunity to get more money without doing anything and it also meant we could keep going on our fact finding missions to the Mardi Gras in Rio each year.  We tried to call the Bank last night but it appears they have gone on holiday until next year.  The only positive thing out of this is that I get paid by the tax payer so at least I’ll keep getting my money even if we won’t be able to resume refuse collection services until 2011.  We apologise for any inconvenience.  Now I must go because I’ve got a flight out to Rio.”

Further news broke last night when it was revealed that Warwick District Council had been banking their (sorry, our) money under the finance directors bed and Solihull Council had given our money to some badgers to look after.

Some Badgers

Some Badgers


Oct 7 2008

Sweetshop in Stratford upon Avon (England) seeks government rescue

Rita’s Sweets in Stratford Upon Avon sensationally requested a government bail out this morning. There is now fear that other sweet shops could go to the wall in coming weeks as the economic collapse continues.

Said Rita Sherbert speaking exclusively to The Bloke “We bought 2,000 gummy snakes last month because we thought there would be a high demand for gummy snakes.  We found out on Monday that nobody wants gummy snakes at all.  Effectively we’ve ended up with a load of gum based confectionary that nobody wants.  It was a stupid mistake.  We tried to repackage them up and sell them on to another sweet shop by calling them aniseed balls but they didn’t fall for it.  We were blinded by the prospect of cornering the market in gummy snakes and making literaly hundreds of pounds for ourselves.  The trouble is we bought them on my husband, Terry’s, credit card and now we really can’t afford to pay it off.  We’re hoping that Alistair Darling won’t sit on his hands and dither this time.  He needs to act decisively and come to our rescue with a nice big dollop of tax payers cash before its too late.  If he doesn’t this could spell disaster for Stratford based confectioners.  We can’t allow us, er, i mean them, to go broke.”

Oversupply of gum based snakes spells ruin for Rita

Alistair Darling was quoted this afternoon to be taking this very seriously and is confering with the treasury about releasing £375 to avoid the systematic collapse of this sweet shop.

Rita and co-worker who face ruin if they don't get a bail out

Rita and co-workers who face hardship if they don't get a bail out


Sep 30 2008

Campbells soups share rise!

Souped up shares

Souped up shares

As we experience the biggest stock market crash in recent history one company is bucking the trend.  Campbells soup shares actually increased by 15%.  The resons?  Canny stock pickers think that consumers are going to start hoarding food in preparation for global meltdown.  We advise all blokes to start hoarding.