The Bloke.co.uk | Life After the Lad

Israels blockade of Gazza looks set to continue into the weekend with reports from Newcastle that vital medical supplies, building equipment and food aid are being prevented from being delivered to the ex England soccer star.

Said Mavis Davis who lives next door to the geordie legend “wahay, he can’t even get clean drinking water now. man.”

Tensions between Israel and the retired national footballing treasure have reached new highs over the past week with Paul Gascoigne apparently using home made pipe bombs to launch low tech explosives into Israel occupied territory.

There was further developments this evening when a flotilla of boats filled with poets, attention grabbing students and some lesbians set sail on the Tyne in an attempt to break the blockade outside Gazzas house and deliver some Evian water and kendal Mint Cake.

Gazza Blockaded

In the past few days considerate retailers have offered me my own little pieces of world cup glory so that i feel connected to the nation. My WC experience will be better when I have my World cup football shaped BBQ (Tesco), a world cup gazebo with matching St George patio chairs (B&Q), a replica world cup shiny suit as worn by the team and World cup ham sandwiches with a sort of horrible orangey looking cross on the top (Marks).

INGERLUND INGERLUND INGERLUU-UND

I can deal with this, suck it up and dismiss it as i try to dismiss all clunky opportunistic retail advertised crap that piles up and blots out the sunshine in my daily consumerist life. I hold deep profound admiration for marketing managers who can squeeze one single percentage point of extra profit out of the contrived euphoria that surrounds the big bi-annual footie matches. Sure it’s a bit high risk, a stinking summer and a first round knockout will leave these companies with millions of quids worth of St George themed tat that under the neon glare of the supermarket discount bin looks like an pointed insult from those bastard Argentinans that they’ll sell at quarter price but still probably make a margin. But the upside is a killing to be made if the sun shines and we go nearly all the way.

Anyone want to buy a, er, World Cup lathe?

Yes, I can deal with this. What I’m really getting grrrrd about is the businesses that can’t possibly benefit from an association with the world cup going to the time and effort to bang out emails or sending futile press releases in the hope that some of the magic will rub off and make people buy water coolers, or translation services, or new accounting software for your computer, or a new lathe, or office cleaning services. How? How can this help your business? Do you think that when your email arrives in my inbox with an enticing World Cup Offer to your recruitment firm that I view your business in a warm and fuzzy rosy glow and remind myself that I must pick up the phone to Steve and see if he has any accounts assistants on his books? Or do I think that you’ve put a nano second of thought into your business communication whist you were listening to 5Live in the car on the way in and think that I’m dumb enough to be taken in by the chipper laddy tone of your ill thought out badly constructed *BORING* missive about recruitment?

Hmmmm, lets think….

I have written about this before that out of 133 million blogs a mere 7.4 million have been updated in the past 120 days. I’m aware this blog falls into that category. Not that anyone reads it much anyway but that’s not really the point. So I am just posting this until something big happens and I need an outlet, then it’ll be ready and waiting to go.

Lots going on. Standing for my parish council on an Independent ticket in May (got to do something). Turned 40. Got a kick arse business idea which is just out of the test phase and looking very exciting and the novel has reached 20,000 words, a milestone given my very slow rate of progress and numerous false starts.

Being in the meeja game I get invited to the odd launch party. Not really cool ones with Cheryl Cole or Kate Moss or anything like that.  On any given night in London there are dozens of these events and you could actually get drunk on cheap champers & warm chardonnay and eat canapes every night of the week if you had the energy to turn up to them.  And you normally get a goody bag which is good for vomiting in if you have had too much cheap champers. The contents of goody bags are notoriously not good and usually consist of a book that nobody wants and some vouchers for the body shop.

I remember once being sandwiched between Jodie Marsh and Cynthia Payne in a Soho cellar which is a sentence I never thought I would type.  Cynthia gurgled scotch, told me funny stories and signed a napkin which said ‘for services rendered’. Jodie was less entertaining than Cynthia.  And considerably more orange.

J Marsh

C Payne

I once went to a party and met Dean Gaffney.  In 2005 Dean went to everything.  They said he would go to the opening of an envelope.  People were pretty cruel about the East Enders star but i thought he seemed to be a good natured young bloke who was quite reasonably enjoying his recently discovered fame.  Anyway, he was considered very Z list and if he turned up to a party it could have a detrimental effect on the brand throwing the bash.  So you would hear comments around the water cooler like:

‘was that party any good last night?’  ‘ nah mate, it was a bit Gaffney.’ In the end I suspect he stopped getting invited to stuff.

D Gaffney

One time I was at a launch and through a freind managed to get invited into the VIP area.  This is the roped off bit where the slebs can sit and drink and not be bothered by the public, which tends to happen when the public are pissed in a bar.  British Reserve goes out the window and celeb baiting is the sport of choice.  Jodie and Dean were there although I can’t say they remembered me because I’m not famous.  A nervous PR came in and said “we have a problem, the cast of The Bill have turned up could all the non-famous people get out of the VIP area so we can fit them all in.”  So I left and joined the public.  The Bill all trundled in, had a drink and then buggered off again after five minutes.  At which point non famous folk were allowed back into the cordoned off bit.

The Cast of The Bill

Last night was the Zenith.  At 7pm I found myself in Kettners in Soho for the launch of a new Laser Lipo machine.  It’s a machine that zaps fat without having to have surgery.  I’m not sure where the fat goes and I felt stupid asking so I’m afraid it’s going to remain a mystery. Perhaps it drips out of your ears.  It sounds like a dream product though.  I mean you can dial in a pizza, flick on a movie and strap on  this lipo machine and your moobs will vanish by the time the credits are rolling.  Anyway, very kind to be invited and thanks to the folks at Laser Lipo who have a sure fire winner on their hands.  And you’re saying to yourselves : come on then what celebs were there???:

1. Nick Ferrari - a radio presenter apparently.

2. Sally Farmiloe - famous for, er, shagging Jeffrey Archer.  really

3. Cindy Jackson - Guiness world record holder for person with most most plastic surgery. American. A “personality”. in MENSA - so not bimbo.

I pine for Gaffney & Marsh and them good old days when slebs were slebs.

Can we make one thing absolutely clear here.  Teachers seducing children = bad.  I have two of the little cherubs and Mrs Bloke takes them into school every morning on the understanding that teachers are going to teach them stuff and not text them at home, try to chat them up on facebook or take them out on a candle lit dinner, ply them with Pinot Grigio and talk about how beautiful the moon looks.

Reminds me of school

But, can we have a bit of honesty here - and lets face it, that’s what this is all about here at The Bloke, being a bit honest.  Can any of you chaps out there remember what it’s like being a 15 year old boy?  Can you remember the testosterone screaming through your veins, the frantic need for you and your buddies to ‘pop your cherry’ and the complete absence of anyone who will let you ‘pop your cherry’ anywhere near them?  Do you remember the awe in which you held your friends who had managed to ‘do it’?  And can you imagine, just for a second if your RE teacher (aged 39) flirted with you and then seduced you.

Would you:

a) think it’s the best day, ever!  Like Christmas to the power of 10. Like getting a new Chopper and Grifter all rolled into one.

b) be traumatised and call the police.

Of course we don’t want our teachers seducing pupils and curiously when you flip it in reverse and have male teachers seducing 15 year old girls it suddenly becomes very unpalatable.  We all have to live by one set of rules, that’s how our world works and that’s how order is retained but sometimes you read a story and look through it and think, hmmmm.