7 dotcom ideas that are unlikely to go down a storm in the Valley

it feels like 2000 again.  crazy ideas from 21 year olds called Zip who are always in the tech press  getting huge funding rounds.  Here’s 7 that I should pitch to some VC’s before this particular bubble bursts.

1. hookeradvisor.co.uk

using your smart phone location function, find your nearest hooker and engage her accordingly.  after the event, and before the guilt kicks in, you can rate the hooker for her abilities to not talk about money in a cold dispassionate way and how she hides her contempt for you with her dead eyes.

2. come_and_remove_dogturd_from_my_lawn_for_a_pittance.co.uk

A new “wage arbitrage” site, this aims to capitalise on the austerity measures by connecting people who are utterly desperate for cash with people who have dog shit on their lawns but cant be arsed scooping it up.

3. www.completely_unessesary_solution_to_a_problem_that_does_not_exist.com

there seems to be an almost daily press release of some tech start up that does something so niche and over complicated that only slightly autistic low slung jeans wearing flipflop people in Palo Alto will find it interesting for the length of time it takes to drink a decaf latte then move onto another pointless non solution.  How about a website that enables you to post a picture of yourself hailing a taxi, that then registers that photo with local taxi firms, who can then bid with each other to pick you up. Or you could just hail a cab.

4. ftw.me

Continuing the recent trend for choosing names for sites that contain no vowels, it is essentially a fatwa site where people can post up details of people they want beheading and hitmen or ex military personnel or even disenfranchised goths with access to automatic weapons can bid to get the gig.  Call it democratisation of the web or some other hackneyed web donkey phrase.  Base it somewhere overseas where the usual international laws don’t apply.

5. SarahBeenyDating.co.uk

a website for people who are interested in dating Sarah Beeny and only Sarah Beeny. All the experts are saying that the internet will continue to segment markets to infinite degrees, so why not?

6. itsmyfuckingdata.co.uk

a website that enables you to sell your own data to companies so they can sell you shit you don’t need all day long instead of some geeks in america selling your data to those companies and making themselves billionaires.  data may be the new oil, but it should be remembered that it is actually my oil and if anyone is selling it then I’d quite like a slice of the action. thankyouverymuch.

7. www.Let-me-take-you-away-from-all-this.com

You need to consume 12 large jack daniels and coke before fully engaging with this “stripper rescue” site.  The principal objective in this site that as you fall completely in love with the slink hipped 18 year old lingerie wearing nyph that is dripping honey drenched innuendo into your ear whilst making it very clear that you are the only man in the world for her at that moment and can you buy her another champers for £23 a glass and you realise that you are in love. And you hit on this idea that you *can* rescue her from all this.  Right now.  You have a good job in marketing and you could take care of her and spend your evening watching telly in your underwear.

By the way, by reading this you’ve agreed to the terms of  my NDA and if you launch any of them I own 51%.