On Launch Parties…

Being in the meeja game I get invited to the odd launch party. Not really cool ones with Cheryl Cole or Kate Moss or anything like that.  On any given night in London there are dozens of these events and you could actually get drunk on cheap champers and eat canapes every night of the week if you had the energy to turn up to them.  And you normally get a goody bag which is good for vomiting in if you have had too much cheap champers. The contents of goody bags are notoriously not good and usually consist of a book that nobody wants and some rubbish money off vouchers.

I remember once being sandwiched between Jodie Marsh and Cynthia Payne in a Soho cellar which is a sentence I never thought I would type.  Cynthia gurgled scotch, told me funny stories and signed a napkin which said ‘for services rendered’. Jodie was less entertaining than Cynthia and was wearing what looked like a couple of belts. I was disappointed because on the telly she looks like fun but she wasn’t up for mindless chatter. Plus she’s orange.

J Marsh

J Marsh

C Payne

C Payne

I once went to a party and met Dean Gaffney.  In 2005 Dean went to everything.  They said he would go to the opening of an envelope.  People were pretty cruel about the East Enders star but i thought he seemed to be a good natured young bloke who was quite reasonably enjoying his recently discovered fame.  Anyway, he was considered very Z list and if he turned up to a party it could have a detrimental effect on the brand throwing the bash.  So you would hear comments around the water cooler like:

‘was that party any good last night?’  ‘ nah mate, it was a bit Gaffney.’ In the end I suspect he stopped getting invited to stuff.

D Gaffney

D Gaffney

One time I was at a launch and through a freind managed to get invited into the VIP area.  This is the roped off bit where the slebs can sit and drink and not be bothered by the public, which tends to happen when the public are pissed in a bar.  British Reserve goes out the window and celeb baiting is the sport of choice.  Jodie and Dean were there although I can’t say they remembered me because I’m not famous.  A nervous PR came in and said “we have a problem, the cast of The Bill have turned up could all the non-famous people get out of the VIP area so we can fit them all in.”  So I left and joined the public.  The Bill all trundled in, had a drink and then buggered off again after five minutes.  At which point non famous folk were allowed back into the cordoned off bit.

The Cast of The Bill

The Cast of The Bill

Last night was the Zenith.  At 7pm I found myself in Kettners in Soho for the launch of a new Laser Lipo machine.  It’s a machine that zaps fat without having to have surgery.  I’m not sure where the fat goes and I felt stupid asking so I’m afraid it’s going to remain a mystery. Perhaps it drips out of your ears.  It sounds like a dream product though.  I mean you can dial in a pizza, flick on a movie and strap on  this lipo machine and your moobs will vanish by the time the credits are rolling.  Anyway, very kind to be invited and thanks to the folks at Laser Lipo who have a sure fire winner on their hands.  And you’re saying to yourselves : come on then what celebs were there???:

1. Nick Ferrari – a radio presenter apparently.

2. Sally Farmiloe – famous for, er, shagging Jeffrey Archer.  really

3. Cindy Jackson – Guiness world record holder for person with most most plastic surgery. American. A “personality”. in MENSA – so not bimbo.

I pine for Gaffney & Marsh and them good old days when slebs were slebs.

on being seduced by a teacher…

Can we make one thing absolutely clear here.  Teachers seducing children = bad.  I have two of the little cherubs and Mrs Bloke takes them into school every morning on the understanding that teachers are going to teach them stuff and not text them at home, try to chat them up on facebook or take them out on a candle lit dinner, ply them with Pinot Grigio and talk about how beautiful the moon looks.

Reminds me of school

Reminds me of school

But, can we have a bit of honesty here – and lets face it, that’s what this is all about here at The Bloke, being a bit honest.  Can any of you chaps out there remember what it’s like being a 15 year old boy?  Can you remember the testosterone screaming through your veins, the frantic need for you and your buddies to ‘pop your cherry’ and the complete absence of anyone who will let you ‘pop your cherry’ anywhere near them?  Do you remember the awe in which you held your friends who had managed to ‘do it’?  And can you imagine, just for a second if your RE teacher (aged 39) flirted with you and then seduced you.

Would you:

a) think it’s the best day, ever!  Like Christmas to the power of 10. Like getting a new Chopper and Grifter all rolled into one.

b) be traumatised and call the police.

Of course we don’t want our teachers seducing pupils and curiously when you flip it in reverse and have male teachers seducing 15 year old girls it suddenly becomes very unpalatable.  We all have to live by one set of rules, that’s how our world works and that’s how order is retained but sometimes you read a story and look through it and think, hmmmm.

THE BLOKE follows the Murdochs and *charges* for content.

Now we’ve been looking at this internet malarkey for a couple of years and we have to agree with Rupert Murdoch that we can’t be giving all this brilliant content away for free.  I mean something has to give. You know, there needs to be a quid pro quo here.  I’m spending all this time giving you my opinion on stuff and you’re just taking it all.  Not giving anything back.  There’s no ‘quo’ bit to our relationship here.

The Murdoch family

Like Rupert I have a few kids and a pretty wife who likes shoes and holidays and we need to find a way to pay for all this stuff.  All those other gutless media corporations out there have remained largely silent on the matter but The Bloke Corp has made the bold decision to step up to the plate and stand shoulder to shoulder with The Murdochs. Although we won’t quite go as far as condeming the BBC because they do great stuff like The Wire and Radio 4 (apart from The Archers, Sunday Worship and that really smug woman on Saturday morning who is far too pleased with herself.  Oh, and Sandy Toksvig who is also far too pleased with herself) and their kids TV output which isn’t packed with adverts for plastic shit that will be in the charity shop by February.

Sorry, wondered off there on one a little bit.  But back to business – we’re together with James and his Dad.  From 1st October The Bloke is going to charge for content.  It’s an honesty based system that I’m hoping is going to work well for all of us.  Everytime you visit the site all you need to do is simply log a reply with your email address and I’ll send you a bill at the end of every month for how many times you’ve visited (based on about 25p a visit*). *subject to change without notice.

I’m hoping that this ‘payment gateway’ will enable me to continue to provide you with unrivalled up to the minute engaging content whilst helping me and my family get lots of nice things and hopefully an unhealthy share of global media ownership.