Being in the meeja game I get invited to the odd launch party. Not really cool ones with Cheryl Cole or Kate Moss or anything like that. On any given night in London there are dozens of these events and you could actually get drunk on cheap champers and eat canapes every night of the week if you had the energy to turn up to them. And you normally get a goody bag which is good for vomiting in if you have had too much cheap champers. The contents of goody bags are notoriously not good and usually consist of a book that nobody wants and some rubbish money off vouchers.
I remember once being sandwiched between Jodie Marsh and Cynthia Payne in a Soho cellar which is a sentence I never thought I would type. Cynthia gurgled scotch, told me funny stories and signed a napkin which said ‘for services rendered’. Jodie was less entertaining than Cynthia and was wearing what looked like a couple of belts. I was disappointed because on the telly she looks like fun but she wasn’t up for mindless chatter. Plus she’s orange.
I once went to a party and met Dean Gaffney. In 2005 Dean went to everything. They said he would go to the opening of an envelope. People were pretty cruel about the East Enders star but i thought he seemed to be a good natured young bloke who was quite reasonably enjoying his recently discovered fame. Anyway, he was considered very Z list and if he turned up to a party it could have a detrimental effect on the brand throwing the bash. So you would hear comments around the water cooler like:
‘was that party any good last night?’ ‘ nah mate, it was a bit Gaffney.’ In the end I suspect he stopped getting invited to stuff.
One time I was at a launch and through a freind managed to get invited into the VIP area. This is the roped off bit where the slebs can sit and drink and not be bothered by the public, which tends to happen when the public are pissed in a bar. British Reserve goes out the window and celeb baiting is the sport of choice. Jodie and Dean were there although I can’t say they remembered me because I’m not famous. A nervous PR came in and said “we have a problem, the cast of The Bill have turned up could all the non-famous people get out of the VIP area so we can fit them all in.” So I left and joined the public. The Bill all trundled in, had a drink and then buggered off again after five minutes. At which point non famous folk were allowed back into the cordoned off bit.
Last night was the Zenith. At 7pm I found myself in Kettners in Soho for the launch of a new Laser Lipo machine. It’s a machine that zaps fat without having to have surgery. I’m not sure where the fat goes and I felt stupid asking so I’m afraid it’s going to remain a mystery. Perhaps it drips out of your ears. It sounds like a dream product though. I mean you can dial in a pizza, flick on a movie and strap on this lipo machine and your moobs will vanish by the time the credits are rolling. Anyway, very kind to be invited and thanks to the folks at Laser Lipo who have a sure fire winner on their hands. And you’re saying to yourselves : come on then what celebs were there???:
1. Nick Ferrari – a radio presenter apparently.
2. Sally Farmiloe – famous for, er, shagging Jeffrey Archer. really
3. Cindy Jackson – Guiness world record holder for person with most most plastic surgery. American. A “personality”. in MENSA – so not bimbo.
I pine for Gaffney & Marsh and them good old days when slebs were slebs.